Tom Brady Is Dead
By Brian Miller
I know this for a fact. He died yesterday. Tom Brady is dead. Bill Belichick and the Patriots just don’t want you to know, they are trying to hide it like they do with injuries. If you listen to the Belichick press conference and play it backwards it says, “Tom Brady is dead, Tom Brady is dead“. It must be true. Where is Giselle to refute the claims…someone, anyone, Ferris Bueller…PLEASE GOD HELP! Someone call NASA, the FBI, the CIA!
Why else would a knee injury to anyone garner such unfreakingbelievable press? The sky must surely be falling. Hey, I don’t wish injury on any player, zero, zilch, notaone, but come on, this is unreal. Listen to the sports talk shows in the New England area and your waiting for an obit. Haven’t you heard, the Patriots are mediocre now. The team’s 2008 video will be a tribute to him complete with weekly shots of him rehabbing and standing on the sidelines.
So many teams have lost QB’s it’s ridiculous. The Miami Dolphins lost Dan Marino for a season to an Achilles injury. Joe Theismann lost his career to Lawrence Taylor. Bob Griese was lost for 90 percent of the season in 1972. Michael Vick lost his career to, o.k. that was pretty low. This is not the first time and it will not be the last time that an NFL QB goes down.
The NFL is currently negotiating a new CBA agreement. Will there be yet another new rule implemented at the next owners meeting? Another Brady rule? We already have the “Tuck” rule, now how about the two hand touch on the QB rule?
Turn on ESPN, NFL Network, ESPN News, Sports Talk Radio, whatever, it’s Tom Brady, Tom Brady, Tom Brady. Did you know that Vince Young has torn his MCL? May miss 2-4 weeks if not more? Nor did I but he did…seriously. Sorry, I went off topic there for a minute forgot this day was Tom Brady day.
I spoke with campaign managers for both Presidential candidates and here is the “official” comments from both John McCain and Barrack Obama.
"The Nation lost a true Patriot today. His absence is indicative of the fight we wage against the defense of this nation. His service is irreplaceable. If elected, I will make every September 8th a national holiday in his honor. – Senator John McCainRandy Moss called me this morning to tell me the bad news. I am canceling my mid-west campaigning to head to Massachusetts. This is a sad day for all America, and I vow to get us out of this trouble. Tom had no business being that close to the line of scrimmage in the first place. I blame George Bush. – Barrack Obama"
I also received a letter today from Daunte Culpepper’s agent.
"My client has retired from football and all the talk about him rejoining Randy Moss on the field is premature. He will not call the Patriots to express interest because he believes they should be calling him instead. Not reaching out to my client yesterday but instead speaking with Chris Simms and Tim Rattay is a slap in my clients face. I am, I mean my client is better than those idiots. Tennessee needs a QB too with Vince going down and since my client can only play a few weeks before he get re-injured, that is likely the better spot for me, I mean for him."
A press conference is scheduled for today to announce funeral arrangements and processional. The Patriots will wear black armbands on their jerseys the rest of the year with “TB” on them and Matt Cassel already has a date for the Victoria Secrets fashion show. Bill Belichick is none to thrilled saying, according to a source, “it’s just way too early for him to be taking over Tom’s lifestyle he doesn’t have the potency that Tom does”.
Tom Brady hurt his knee. Badly. Hope he recovers from this…seriously. Still the sky is not falling, the world will not end, and the Patriots will still play next Sunday along with 31 other NFL teams. You would think the only game played yesterday was the New England/KC game. Is this news? Sure it is, but somewhere, Tom Brady is looking down at us all staring out of his hospital room saying in his best Monty Python accent…”I’m not dead yet“.