Have You Seen This Man?

Have you ever met someone so grating, so irritating to be around that the mere sight, no thought of them physically repulses you? But to complicate things a little bit, you’re not socially allowed to dislike that person so you can’t even say anything without a referendum being made on your character?

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you ‘Fireman Ed.’ Fireman Ed is a drunken, loud-mouthed idiot who, those select group of cretins who proudly call themselves Jets-fans excluded, annoys the rest of us unimaginably. The man is ostensibly an imbecile, which is to say I’ve never met him and he may be a very nice guy, but he really nails the part of an imbecile on national TV every Sunday. Believe me, I’d be more colorful if I could. But he’s a New York City Fireman. So now just for denigrating him I could be accused of having questionable character.

My problem with this guy is that he seemingly travels everywhere with the Jets and right when you’d least like to see his ugly, unpalatable mug on television he shows up anyways, spelling one of the only words he knows for everyone else in his merry band of idiots. You know you’ve seen him in Miami, screaming in Dolphins fans’ faces and just generally reducing the quality of the game for an entire section.

Now the beautiful part of this country is that there are laws that prevent us from discriminating against people. Unfortunately, that also applies to not allowing this guy into the stadium on the basis that he’s an insufferably loud Jets fan when he inevitably shows up to shout and spell on Sunday night . In order for the Dolphins to prevent him from coming in and annoying thousands of people he would have to do something like… I don’t know, assault another fan or something. And surely Fireman Ed, who is a good guy because he’s a fireman after all, wouldn’t assault somebody at a football game…

Oh wait, Fireman Ed has now been charged with assaulting a fan at an NFL stadium. Who did he assault, you ask? A Giants fan! Now I could understand if Fireman Ed had lashed out in a brief moment of clarity. If he had looked up from his drunken stupor for a few brief seconds and realized that he had become a caricature or that the entire meaning of his existence could be reduced to leading an elementary school cheer in front of a bunch of drunken miscreants as he roots for a franchise that peaked during the AFL and has the 7th lowest winning percentage of all active teams since the merger. If he had reacted angrily to that epiphany and just lashed out at the closest person to him I might understand. But Ed lashed out at a Giants fan who was cheering too loudly against him. Now I tend to think Giants fans are nice people because Jason Taylor told me so. You remember when JT said:

"There are nice people in New York, they’re Giants fans."

Well, I’m prone to believe him. All kidding aside though, why would one of the least likable people in the entire NFL, a man despised by fan-bases the league over, actually give teams an excuse to keep him out? It may seem like a tenuous claim, but security personnel at Sun Life Stadium really should refuse ‘Fireman Ed’ Anzalone admission on Sunday based entirely on principle. Ed Anzalone is accused of assaulting an opposing fan at his own stadium. Legally, the Dolphins should have an obligation to prevent him from entering their stadium, endangering their fans. A man who currently stands accused and has been charged with assaulting a rival fan presents an actual security issue at this game. If he attacked someone during the preseason as they opened a new stadium (on what should have been an amicable night on all fronts), I doubt he’s going to use better judgment during a heated rivalry game as he’s surrounded by potentially hostile Dolphins fans. There is a precedent for his behavior now. And quite frankly, legally, knowing what they do the Dolphins organization could be held partially liable should Anzalone be allowed admission and happen to assault someone else.

Plus wouldn’t it make you feel good to know that somewhere, even if just in one isolated incident, that a Jet actually would be held accountable for his actions? Think about that as you watch Braylon Edwards start the second quarter with a reception…