Channing Crowder is a character in more ways than one.

The "Wisdom" of Channing Crowder

Channing Crowder is a character. I mean that two ways, too. He’s a character in the traditional sense. Much like Manny Fernandez or Ted Hendricks he’s a wild man (though admittedly doesn’t play comparably to either). He wrestles boars and gators, probably spends entirely too much time in the Everglades and is never short on candid, often-times perplexing sound-bites. If Channing Crowder were half as interesting on the football field as he is off of it he would probably be a lot of fan’s favorite Dolphin.

But Channing Crowder is also a character in the sense that the public persona he puts out for the cameras, isn’t necessarily indicative of who he is. While he really does love fishing and boar-wrestling, apparently he’s far smarter than he lets on. In fact he’s probably smarter than you. Crowder was an honor student in high school with a 1280 SAT who went on to UF and graduated with 3.5 GPA. At the NFL combine he scored a 30 on his wonderlic test.

Now compare that to Tim Tebow and his robust 890 SAT score and 3.5 home-schooled GPA (har har har). Or compare that to Dan Marino‘s score of 16 on the Wonderlic and it becomes obvious that despite alleging not to know where London is or talking like a couple of kids on the playground with Rex Ryan last season, Channing is actually a pretty bright individual.

Still, this morning I read a quote from Channing which really cracked me up. When asked about the recent woes of his beloved Gator he offered this assessment:

“They don’t know what — John Brantley don’t know what he wants to do. He can’t outrun anybody. I saw him get run down by a white linebacker last week, which was a disgrace to all Florida football history.”

“You can see the offense is nothing without Tebow,” Crowder told the Post’s Ben Volin last week. “When I saw a white linebacker … ran down Brantley twice, I said, ‘Yeah, we have no chance.’”

A few things. First of all Channing played at UF with Chris Leak who was a pedestrian black quarterback and he also played with Zach Thomas who was two-three times the player Crowder is and happens to be caucasian. But that aside, if you drop the PC-business and just let yourself laugh at it, this is pretty funny. And that got me thinking… so I compiled a list of Channing’s best gems. So without further ado, here is the top five list for Channing’s best ‘wisdom.’

5.) Channing on Hard Knocks with the Jets and JT

“He’s a real pretty boy. He had makeup with Dancing with the Stars and all that, so he might put on makeup,” Crowder said. “He’s gonna perform. Trust me. You can mark that. JT is not going to be himself. He’s gonna perform for the cameras, ’cause he’s a showman. That’s what I give him a hard time about — he’s going to be as clean as he can, he’s gonna have a freshly-shaved head, ’cause the camera is around and he’s very womanly.”

“What is it, Vidal Sassoon or something?” Crowder said. “What’s the good stay-strong stuff you could wear? Loreal? He’ll have on non-run Loreal.”

“JT’s graceful. He’s a very graceful guy. I told him I’m gonna make fun of him, so he knows it’s coming. But yeah, he is a very pretty, womanly football player.”

Cute, though it brings up a topic that still stings a little bit. It’s also the pot calling the kettle black because Channing is putting on for the cameras too. For as much as I appreciate the ribbing between ex-teammates, Jason Taylor has more than twice as many defensive touchdowns as Crowder has sacks and interceptions combined. Still, Crowder nailed it. JT did play it up for the cameras when he decided to drive his Maserati instead of taking the bus with his teammates and then got lost a number of times. Like that junk would have flown in Miami…

4.) Channing Crowder implies he’d like to beat up Mike Florio

“Well, you tell Mike Florio to come to my house and call me a ‘douche bag’ to my face,” Crowder said.  “Just tell him to come to [my housing development] and take two lefts and a right and look for the house with the Dodge Ram out front.  I’ll be waiting there for him and he can call me that to my face and we can talk about it.”

Channing and I share something in common in that both of us think Mike Florio is an insufferable clown. Apparently, Channing was commenting on Lane Kiffin before last year’s UF-Tennessee game (because Urban Meyer with his program’s 30+ arrests in 5 years just has so much more character than Kiffin) and Mike Florio called him a D-bag. So Crowder extended him an invitation to discuss their comments and probably wrestle. I have no idea why Mike Florio would take issue with anybody having a go at Lane Kiffin, but why does Florio do anything?

3.) The “infamous” London Quote

“I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries,” he said. “I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I know London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”

I especially like the part where Channing knows that London Fletcher isn’t british because he’s black. Especially when the Dolphins had a black guy (Marvin Allen) from London on their team just for that game!

“He’s from London?” Crowder said. “I knew he was from over there because he talks funny. I was surprised (when they met) because — I don’t want to say he didn’t look the part because that’s a stereotype — but he didn’t look the part. I heard him talk, and I thought he had a recorder and was just mouthing.”

Crowder would later admit to the British media that he was indeed kidding about not knowing where London was on a map. But his comments inspired waves of articles, commentary and people on the internet writing long-winded rants on what an idiot Crowder is. And in fairness, this one wasn’t really as funny because it sort of played on that whole ‘ignorant American’ stereotype Europe loves to toss around right as the NFL was trying to put its best face on to improve its international standing. But when you think about the ever straight-laced Roger Goodell hearing about the quote and think of how he may have reacted to its ramifications, I crack a bit of a smile.

2.) On the NFL’s recent movement to eliminated big hits

“If they’re going to keep making us go more and more and more like a feminine sport, we’re going to wear pink every game, not just on the breast cancer months”

Ah Channing, very few defensive players were thrilled with the new NFL-imposed action to curb big hits, but nobody put it quite as eloquently as you. I don’t care, I’m not easily offended, but considering Iowa once caught flak for painting its visiting locker-room pink, I think connoting safety as feminine and suggesting that everyone wear pink all the time because the league doesn’t want anyone to die could probably piss off somebody. But you don’t care do you?

1.) On the unbeaten Saints

“They’re undefeated, they’re probably smelling themselves, rubbing each other’s balls, all that shit…”

By Channing’s logic the ’72 Dolphins locker-room must have been like an Italian bath-house. Still, despite having no clue what he’s talking about or how that fits into any sort of context or even made its way out of his mouth, you have to admit that’s pretty funny. You can almost picture Drew Brees commenting that he can still smell the Kardashian on Reggie Bush’s… Ok this is a PG-blog. Channing even gets me talking crazy.

And maybe that’s the point. It’s a long season. It’s full of ups and downs and though I’ve never experienced it first hand I’m sure you can get bogged down, overwhelmed by the grind and the stakes. Having a guy like Channing Crowder to break up the monotony and bring a degree of levity to the season is probably more invaluable than we realize. And maybe Channing knows that, after all he’s a pretty bright guy.

“If I’m knocked out, I don’t know where I’m at, I can’t say my name, now I can’t play football,” he said. “If I get hit in the head and black out for a second and now I get back up dizzy, OK, I’m ready to go.”

Or, at least I hope he still is…

Do you have any favorites I missed? Add them to the comments.

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