Ashley Greene does not dress like this in the film...keep that in mind.

Five Things To Survive New Twilight Movie

So yesterday I was stolen away from the computer and dragged kicking and screaming to the theater to watch, I know, I know, Twilight:  Breaking Dawn, Part I.  My wife is a good woman who allows me the opportunity to park my butt at a computer for hours on end researching, writing, talking on the phone, answering Email, all about the Miami Dolphins.  She doesn’t even mind that once a year I drive down to the city to catch a game.  So, I suppose the least I can do is sit through Twilight.

I have endured the previous three movies and for the most part they really were not all that bad.  Aside from the oooing and ahhing of pre-pubescent teen girls every time some dude took his shirt off, amazingly a lot of the 40 somethings did to, the movies had some action and I suppose you could take away the fact that a couple of the Vamp chicks were pretty hot.  Alas they didn’t take off their shirts.  (Note to filmakers, if you are going to make a chick flick that woman will drag their men to see, put in a few gratuitous shots for them…you will sell more tickets).

So back to the movie at hand.  This episode of the series is all about the wedding, the baby, and supposedly the sex.  Let’s be clear on something right now, there is “True Blood” vamp sex and there is “Twilight” vamp sex.  After the so called “sex scene” my wife said, “that’s it?”.  To which I relied, “Ha!”  Now I do of course realize that you can’t get all hot and bothered scenes when a good portion of your audience has 13 year old girls skipping school.  So make two versions.

Lucky for me, or unlucky as it were, the first hour and thirty minutes was like someone pulling their nails down the chalkboard.  The only real endearing part of this series is the character played by the lovely and beautiful Ashley Greene, Alice.  However, this episode changed her sweet and sexy hair cut to make her look, older…ummm, she is a vampire who doesn’t age, and her speaking parts seem to be more high-schoolish this time around.  So while I endured the first 90 minutes, I missed the last 30 because I had to leave the theater to pick up my son from school.  Leaving the wife behind with one of her friends to ooh and ahh on their own.

On my way home, I figure I would do a little soulless searching, vamps don’t have souls remember.  I came up with a few things to help you deal with this film if you have to go see it.  If you don’t then wait for it to come out on DVD and watch in the comfort of your own home where no one can actually see you enjoying it.

Number 5:  If you are single GO SEE THIS MOVIE!  Not only are the women hot, they obviously lack serious passion in their life.  Tell them you are doing research for a book or a movie review site and use the lines as an opener…just don’t open your mouth once the movie starts they won’t care anymore until it’s over…then really take advantage of them.  NOTE:  Does not work on all of them…like the one you’re married to.

Number4:  Don’t walk to the front of the theater and take your shirt off, they are not likely to “ooh and ahh” over you.  But if you want free popcorn, your liable to get a bunch thrown at ya.

Number 3:  Bring a pair of headphones and download one of Monty Python‘s films.  Listen to the audio track over your phone while watching the movie.  Nothing says “Life’s a piece of Shit” like a love scene between a vampire and a human!

Number 2:  It’s already widely known that I was absent from writing yesterday because of this film.  So in that regards I can post about it here and pick up the extra “Twi-hard” fan hits by putting it into my title.  Hey, I deserve the extra hits damnit, I had to endure it.  That being said, I still feel as though I am part of a Miller Lite commercial.  I think I lost my man card.  If you don’t want to lose yours don’t tell anyone you saw it.

Number 1:  You need to know that Bella is human and Edward is a vampire and Jacob is a dog…I mean wolf.  It also took exactly 1 minute into the film for Jacob’s character to lose his shirt and the oooing began.  So keep this in mind.  Do yourself a favor and upsize your drink and popcorn to the “free refill” size.  This way, you can drink as much as you want and leave to refill and leave to empty your bladder.  Also, if you are asked about being on a team…tell them you are team Miami!  If that doesn’t shut them up, tell them you lost interest when they killed Victoria.  Don’t worry if you don’t know who that is, they will role their eyes and the conversation will end right there.

Bonus:  When the movie starts, lighten the mood in the theater a bit.  Yell “Honey!  You said this was The Avengers”.  Most of the woman will laugh, your wife likely won’t.  BUT, she also won’t  ask you to see the last one!
DISCLAIMER: This is a shameless way for me to increase web hits.  I deserve it, as I mentioned, for having to endure it…:)  Have a nice day!

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Tags: Ashley Greene Bella Swan Team Edward Team Jacob True Blood Twilight Breaking Dawn Vampires

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