30 teams, only one Daunte Culpepper (Part One)


In the NFL, no team ever has a perfect QB situation. Yes, that includes the likes of the Indianapolis Colts and New England Patriots. What if Cut That Meat or The Supermodel Impregnator got hurt? Ask any head coach and they’ll tell you that their QB depth could be better. Every time. Guaranteed.

The Miami Dolphins aren’t keeping Daunte Culpepper, and he’s not going back to Minnesota. That much we know. What we don’t know is which team Skipper Fumblepepper will end up playing for. Let’s exhaust the possibilities, shall we:

Arizona Cardinals – Matt Leinart — Heisman Trophy winner, model of sobriety and second-year star. Kurt Warner — ex-MVP, family man and mentor extraodinaire. Next.

Atlanta Falcons – With Ron Mexico being investigated by the Feds and Matt Schaub in Houston, the Dirty Birds desperately need another QB. However, recent history tells us that the Culpepper-Joey Harrington tandem is more of a two-headed mouse than a two-headed monster. Pass.

Baltimore Ravens – McNair and Boller are a pretty decent combination, but McNair is old and Boller isn’t a No. 1 QB. There’s at least a chance.

Buffalo Bills – Same division and the Bills need a QB — Losman sucks and Trent Edwards went 10-20 as a collegiate starter. Tough luck. Screw ’em.

Carolina Panthers – Jake Delhomme. David Carr. ‘Nuff said.

Chicago Bears – The Bears were in the Super Bowl last year and might have won if Rex Grossman hadn’t played so gross, man (that was bad). This almost makes too much sense for anybody to actually make it happen, but it still could.

Cincinnati Bengals – Daunte to Ocho Cinco and Housh sounds fun, but wait, what about Carson Palmer. Culpepper would never start in Cincy, so this ain’t happening. No chance.

Cleveland Browns – The Browns will not do this to Brady Quinn. Not after what they traded away to get the Golden Domer Golden Boy. Hell will freeze over first.

Dallas Cowboys – If Tony Romo has the stones to dump Carrie Underwood because his love of the game, he has the mettle to come back from that ginormous playoff “F” up and be America’s QB. Nope.

Denver Broncos – Shanahan is too smart, and too arrogant, to do this to Jay Cutler. Plus they have Captain Mediocre Patrick Ramsey. Never.

Detroit Lions – Kitna. Stanton. Yep, they need him. Mike Martz is too stubborn, though. Maybe, and I mean maybe at best.

Green Bay PackersMadden’s everything is one and done. And, yes, we’ve been saying that for 14 years now. Aaron Rodgers is around, and even though I think he blows, I think Mike McCarthy might just be willing to lose his job over him. Nunca.

Houston Texans – After giving up two second rounders to bring in Schaub, what message would this send. They could use him, but this is an unlikely destination for C-Pepp. Uh-uh.

Indianapolis Colts – The Colts could use him given that their back-ups are untested sorry, but they won’t add a cancer like Culpepper after winning it all. Fugedaboudit.

Jacksonville Jaguars – In the past, Culpepper was Byron Leftwich, David Garrard and Quinn Gray all wrapped up into one player. Now, he could be the worst of the four. Del Rio is Spanish for “hell no” (not really).

So we’ve covered the first 15 and the best we could muster is three very iffy maybes. If things look this bleak during the breakdown of the next 15 teams, the Dolphins should probably just get to Brutus Beefcakin’. Part Deux coming soon!