Madden Is Getting Your Wife Pregnant


EA Sports’ Madden 2009 was released on Tuesday and with it, another baby boom in 9 months is expected.  Madden is getting your wife pregnant.  Parents around the US have plopped down 60 bucks on the video game so they can “plop” down together uninterrupted.  9 months from now, little Johnny has a little sibling.

Not all gamers are children though.  Daddy plays too…well not this guy.  Big Al over at has his own reasons not to play.

While I admit I play Madden, actually Madden plays me, I have not played since last September.  Holed up in a hotel room with my Maddenite brother who eats, breaths, and lives Madden…he of the “I didn’t play football in HS I played band and Madden is like the real thing type“, was of course laughing as his first two games against myself and my other brother were finalized in the 1st quarter when the score was something like 200 to 3.  Then, after 3 straight losses to yours truly, he refused to play me again.  I laughed, fell off the bed…literally…not because I won on a last second hail mary touchdown to Ted Ginn, but because I beat a “Maddenite”.

My brother falls into the “Liar/deceiver” category of Madden players, and not the baby maker category, no new niece or nephew for me.  Adults play too.  This is his nightly conversation with his wife.  “I have to do some work tonight, I will be coming to bed later”.  Like a vulture he loiters outside the room, waits for the sound of snoring, and then, like some mad-scientist wannabe he happy dances down the stairs to the basement to play “real football” against some 10 year old.

The next morning my phone rings, “Dude, I beat this kid last night in Madden, I had the Phins and he had the Patriots…I beat him bad too.”  My brother is like 30 or something.  You go boyeeee!

This is an ongoing theme.  Across the United States, families are torn apart.  Publishing companies will report higher sales of romance novels from Madden widowed wives, who will be encouraged by those novels to sleep with the nearest neighbor who isn’t holed up in the basement playing Madden, their husbands none the wiser.  There will be children who have parked their ass in front of the TV beating guys like my brother until the wee hours of the night while mommy and daddy are none the wiser.  Girlfriends will be spending more time in bars with their friends who have been deserted by their boyfriends which will lead to someone new showing up a few weeks later to meet mom and dad.  “Madden again?” They will ask sheepishly.

I have decided not to buy my son Madden 2009, not because he is 4 but because I don’t want to lose to him.  He already is beating me at Tiger Woods Golf by EA on the PS3 and I let him beat me regularly at chess…yes my son can play chess, the thought of a 4 year old mastering Madden is too much for me to bear.  Of course, my wife and I do want another kid…Well, I better get to the store before they are all sold out, let you know if it works in 9 months.