Writer Submission Number 9
By Brian Miller
Well, I think we are about half way home. I think. The submissions have been great and I’m glad to be able to share some of them with you all. It’s been a nice way to kill the off-season.
Today’s article is brought to you by B.F. hope you enjoy! Don’t forget to vote and comment as you see fit!
Submission number 9
The Jets Are America’s Team
By B.F.
The New York Jets are Amerca’s Team, supplanting both the New England Patriots and the once mightyDallas Cowboys at the top of the National Football Food Chain. This should not surprise you if you are familiar with the NFL Food Pyramid, which consists of three separate tiers, the bottom two each containing infinitely expanding piles of money. At the highest tier sits Roger Goodell in a throne made entirely of gold, listlessly watching three sweaty men shovel the broken souls of football fans into a furnace.
When you think about it, and I’m sure that you have, you’ll realize that it had to be this way. New York Cityis the center of the universe, an irrefutable claim backed by most leading scientists in the field of cosmology. The New York Giants are too classy for most of the country, the landlords of the lesser Jets, and symbolize the greed so easily found in the Big Apple, even going so far as to sell all of their non-premium seat licenses, a far cry from the thousands still available for the hard-working, blue collar J-E-T-S. Fortunately, owner Woody Johnson has made it abundantly clear that the remaining seats won’t have their prices lowered, reportedly stating that, “For a fanbase comprised exclusively of hideous swamp creatures living in the cavernous sewer system below our very feet, and in the nightmares of small children the world over, we believe lowering the prices of our PSLs would be doing them a disservice.”
Johnson, of course, is hinging his belief in the system on the support of civil rights groups which argue that making any services more readily available to the fabled Swamp Monsters of the Five Boroughs would destroy the progress they’ve made by integrating with society. He went on to mention the willingness of Jets fans and New Yorkers to pay good money to see a Super Bowl-winning team, referring to the numerous offseason championships the team has won during organized team activities and in interviews with the press. Facing potential television blackouts, there is currently no word on how depressed head coach Rex Ryan has become at the idea of having several thousand fewer fans to devour on game day.
It is this unwavering dedication to piling hot garbage into the laps of their fans that has struck a chord with Americans. A nation built by people overcoming adversity, paying $5,000 dollars to watch a mediocre football team fail to make the playoffs calls back to a time when wars were fought for independence. For equality. I’ll go ahead and say it; being screwed by the Jets is almost patriotic.