Miami Dolphins former coaches should dress in these Halloween costumes
By Brian Miller
Halloween is right around the corner and while the Miami Dolphins still don’t have an identity, their former coaches do and Halloween should be fun for them.
From Dave Wannstedt to Joe Philbin and Don Shula to Nick Saban, the Miami Dolphins have had a lot of colorful and sometimes odd head coaches. As Halloween approaches we wondered what Halloween costume best identified with each former head coach.
We really don’t know much about Brian Flores yet so for now we can give him a pass. So we will start with Adam Gase instead.
Confused, egotistical, self-absorbed, there are plenty of words to describe Adam Gase but the way he addressed the media really made him odd. Still who can get out of their head the way he threw his players under the bus for every mistake he made? It was always someone elses fault so the only thing Gase should dress as is, Ralph Kramden.
The Jackie Gleason portrayed character from the silver years of television is a perfect costume for a head coach that not only wore out his welcome in Miami but is wearing thin on the poor folks in New York City. The same city that Kramden drove the bus for on the Honeymooners. Guess the “honeymoon” is about over.
Moving on to Joe Philbin there are a lot of ways to go here. If Adam Gase was “confused”, Joe Philbin was absolutely lost. Philbin was never cut out to be a head coach and the fact that Miami stuck with him so long is amazing. If there was one thing about Philbin though it was the fact that he was genuinely a nice guy. Which of course makes it hard to poke fun but hey, it is in the spirit of Halloween.
To me the one character that stands out the best is Beaker from The Muppets. Beaker was goofy but lovable. He was often lost and really shouldn’t have been let free in a lab.
There is only one costume that Tony Sparano would wear on a Halloween night and that is clearly dressing like Tony Soprano!
If you have never met Tony Sparano you might not realize that while he was a great guy to talk to, there was a “Gumba” personality that was front and center. Sparano had a NY vibe to him a Mafiosa facade that was easy to pick up on. The first time I saw him he wore a gold jacket over a collared Polo style shirt.
It was easy to respect Sparano because in a way you felt you needed to. He was well admired by his team and peers and rarely did anyone say anything remotely bad about him. In his office at the stadium he kept a pair of pliars, neatly arranged next more neatly arranged papers. His shoes on the floor perfectly placed. It’s a perfect fit.
Oh poor Cam Cameron. He remains the joke that simply doesn’t grow old but would rather be forgotten. In a season that has the Dolphins winless and potentially losing one more game than Cameron did, his year long stint as the Dolphins head coach is the shortest time for a Dolphins head man that wasn’t an interim guy.
Coming up with costume idea for Cameron wasn’t easy. Then I remembered Jeff Daniels as Harry Dunne in Dumb and Dumber and frankly it all just fit so nicely together. The cropped hair, the continuous looks of being completely lost. Yep, wasn’t much effort at all, like the effort of the team underneath him.
Nick Saban could be so many things but is there a costume for a liar? I don’t know exactly what that would look like unless of course you dressed up as Nick Saban. No, really, I’m not bitter that he left, I wish he never arrived.
When you really get down to it there is only one costume for Saban and that is Satan. The way he yelled at staff members for talking to him or even saying good morning is enough but Saban went further. He stepped over a player that reportedly was having a seizure. He got mad because his cabinet didn’t have enough or the right Little Debbie snack cakes stocked.
At the college level, Saban can be whatever he wants but he couldn’t handle grown men that didn’t need him to control them.
Looking back now on the years of Dave Wannstedt and Dolphins fans probably wish we could rewind the clock and enjoy the seasons that led to playoff appearances and double digit win totals. Afterall, the last time the Dolphins consistently won football games was between 2000 and 2003. Wannstedt fell off in 2004 and resigned of course.
For all the mistakes he made, mostly with draft picks and managing the salary cap, Wannstedt wasn’t much of a wheeler and dealer and tended to let himself get taken too much. Again, with contracts and trades and very poor drafting, Wannstedt couldn’t get things rolling beyond the first round of the post-season.
Still not matter what Wannstedt did his 70’s style “PornStache” was just too much. Ron Jeremy would make a lot of sense. Sorry, and I actually like Wannstedt. Now.
Jimmy Johnson wanted so badly to bring his Cowboy success to Miami but he didn’t have Hershel Walker to trade and without top draft picks, he had to settle for mid-round gems. Which he did nail quite well. Honestly, to this day I’m not sure why Johnson didn’t succeed in Miami. He put too much faith in his running game that was nonexistent and that was his downfall.
With the hair on Johnson’s head there is only one thing that comes to mind. A plastic molded coif that won’t ever move and that is why Johnson should always dress as a Lego Man.
Finally we arrive with Don Shula, the greatest Miami Dolphins head coach in history. Like Flores, George Wilson gets a pass because frankly, I don’t know all that much about him to know what his characteristics would be. Don Shula, yeah.
Shula had the rock hard jaw and a defiant ego that expected perfection. He was solid granite. Stone faced in front of odds and his glare alone was enough to get his point across like a glaring parent to a misbehaving kid.
Very few players crossed paths with Shula but some did try. Still, if Shula were going to dress up for Halloween he may as well go as the best of the best which is why he clearly should dress as the entire facade of Mt. Rushmore.