You can’t tell me Tyreek Hill won’t be faster in a Miami Dolphin uniform

Tyreek Hill appears to approve of Jaelan Phillips' playlist as players stretch before Tuesday's workout.Img 9090
Tyreek Hill appears to approve of Jaelan Phillips' playlist as players stretch before Tuesday's workout.Img 9090 /

Yesterday the Miami Dolphins did a photo shoot as they were wearing their aqua/teal/blue/turquoise/(I don’t think anyone has a firm handle on exactly what shade of blue it actually is) uniforms. They all looked smashing. But the player that popped the most was the newly acquired, fastest man in the universe Tyreek Hill.

You might be thinking to yourself, “Sern, it makes no difference what uniform Tyreek Hill wears. That has exactly zero difference on how fast he will run. I can’t believe you took any time out of your life to write this.” My response to that is man alive you have a lot to learn about fashion.

Think about it like this. When you were a younger man and you would get a haircut(I remember getting haircuts. They were fun. Having hair was fun) you felt like you can achieve anything, strike up any conversation with anybody, and were simply oozing with machismo. Add a solid button down to that haircut and there was literally nothing that you thought you couldn’t get accomplished.

Tyreek Hill wearing those sleek Miami Dolphin uniforms will add no less than 5-12 MPH to overall speed. I’m thoroughly convinced of that. Am I the first person to say that Tyreek Hill will be faster in a Miami Dolphin uniform? I’m not. But am I the biggest believer in it? Possibly.

Was he fast with the ball in his hand in Kansas City? Sure he was. But those heavy red jerseys most certainly bogged him down. I don’t think there’s any argument there.

Also, let’s not rule out the fact that the air in Miami has to be thinner than the air in Kansas City. That thinner air will make Tyreek Hill more aerodynamic and like the Hammer Driver, he will be slashing through the air with greater velocity.

Expect Tyreek Hill to break all the records for the fastest ball carrier this year. Expect him to break that record around eight different times due to him finding an extra gear seemingly every week. Tyreek Hill hasn’t even begun to scratch the surface with how fast he can run in a Miami Dolphins uniform. It will no doubt be so much fun watching him bend space and time.

Enjoy your Wednesday. Here is the Hammer Driver infomercial. Enjoy

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