NFL Draft: Your unofficial 2023 drinking game guide

We have made it to the 2023 NFL Draft. Hey, good on you for making it here. We've put up with a lot of crap in many areas of life but the NFL Draft is one of those sacred things that can't be disturbed. Its foundation is as strong as ever and I always think it deserves to be celebrated and I think a great way to honor the traditions of joy that the NFL draft gives us is by partaking in a good old-fashioned NFL-themed drinking game.

Now, I have to apologize on behalf of the Miami Dolphins. I am sorry that the 1st round of the NFL draft, currently, only has 31 picks in it. I'm sorry that Brian Flores thought it wasn't right for him to have a lovely afternoon or evening on a boat with Stephen Ross and Tom Brady and I'm ultimately sorry that Brian Flores thought it was a good idea to tell on the Dolphins to the league office. For this, I'm sorry.

But let's not focus on the misdeeds of one guy who was trying to shorten your fun and destroy the Miami Dolphins, as if they ever need any help doing that. Let's focus on the Thursday, Friday, and Saturday of the draft.

The draft has such a special place in our hearts because it's really where hope starts to creep into all of us regardless of what team we pledge our fealty to. We convince ourselves of each player our team selects knowing full well that most of the guys will only be about average or never even heard from again. You're doing well if your team gets two starters out of one draft. But that doesn't matter because we're all going to create paths in our heads for each player that gets taken by our team of how they will be a hall of famer. Misplaced energy, perhaps, Irrational confidence, absolutely.

A couple of things about this 2023 NFL draft drinking game; I’ve been writing this article for the past six years and folks have told me that if they were to actually abide by every rule then they would be asleep by pick #4. So, let me just tell you that bypassing some of the drinks from time to time is very much encouraged.

Also and this is an obvious one, if you’re under 21 then don’t bother with this game. Your time will come when you’ll be able to experience quite possibly the greatest NFL Draft Drinking game on the planet.

Make sure if you are playing this game or just having a few beverages that you’re doing it responsibly. This means that there are zero reasons under any circumstance that you drink and drive. There are no less than five different apps you can have to find other transportation which means there are exactly zero reasons for you to get behind the wheel of a car if you’ve been drinking. Don’t be a moron and think you can get away with it. Just don’t do it.

With all that being said, let's get to the rules of your unofficial 2023 NFL Drinking Game.

Drink Once...

• If any announcer says that a player is a freak athlete, a project, a workhorse, has a high motor, is a student of the game, or does well in the classroom
• if there is a trade
• if anyone says that a player has had “off the field issues or has character concerns”
• if Mel Kiper or Todd McShay says that any player drafted in the 1st round that they had them graded as a 2nd or 3rd round guy
• if anyone says ‘the draft starts at #2"
• if it gets talked about that the tight end position is as deep as it’s ever been
• if anyone uses the word “nasty” when describing an offensive or defensive lineman

Drink Twice...

• if anyone shows any Kansas City BBQ
• if the panel of announcers has a discussion about Darnell Washington as a 6th offensive lineman
• if anyone brings up that Bryce Young is smaller than other QBs
• if anyone gets really serious toned talking about Jalen Carter's legal stuff
• if anyone mentions that Bijan Robinson is the best RB prospect since Saquan Barkley or Adrian Peterson
• if anyone mentions Anthony Richardson's ceiling
• if a punter gets drafted
• if anyone mentions that a player was a beast or a force at the Senior Bowl

Drink Three...

• If they show the picture of Will Levis looking yolked
• if anyone mentions that the Packers fleeced the Jets
• if anyone says that Jerry Jones wants to draft Bijan Robinson
• if anyone mentions that Ohio St. QBs never work out
• if 5 QBs get drafted in the 1st round
• if the Packers draft a receiver or tight end in the 1st round
• if it gets talked about how the S2 replaced the Wonderlic test
• if Anthony Richarson falls out of the top 10
• if anyone says Iowa is Tight End U
• if you see an Andy Reid impersonator

Finish your Beverage...

• If there is any reference to Laremy Tunsil’s gas mask situation
• if they mention that the Vikings once missed their pick
• if the Miami Dolphins trade up into the 1st round
• if they show any footage of Aaron Rodgers or Brady Quinn sitting in the green room
• if they show the clip of Josh Rosen saying 9 teams made a mistake not drafting him
• if anyone mentions Tom Brady coming out of retirement
• if anyone almost or knocks down Roger Goodell as Christian Wilkins did
• if Mike Greenberg squeezes in how he covered Michael Jordan back in the 90s

As I said, don’t feel that you have to follow the game rules to the letter of the law. If you hear something said that’s a rule, go with it or don’t. Moderation is your ally here. No need to do anything out of your comfort zone. Drink responsibly, mix in water, and under no circumstances operate a car if you’re drinking. Don’t be a loser. Call an Uber or whatever you have and be safe. Enjoy the draft night, make it as fun as you, and let’s…

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