Miami Dolphins Tailgating Guidelines: Week 2 at Jacksonville
By Sean Denison
The Miami Dolphins will visit the Jacksonville Jaguars this week and that means it’s time to talk tailgating. This week, rather than offer a recipe, I’m going to go over three types of people you don’t want to be at any tailgating outing, or football gathering.
1. First and foremost, please don’t be that annoying friend that decided to partake in the pre-game festivities alone at home—the guy that’s having way to much fun stumbling and slobbering all over himself talking about how much he loves the Dolphins. We get it. You’ve liked them since you were six—we’re all impressed. Yes, you’re having fun, but you’re annoying the hell out of everyone, you’re eating all the food, and there goes your shot with that girl your friend brought along. You know, the cute one? She’s not going to be attracted to the ignoramus that’s sweating profusely and falling asleep midway through the first quarter. Come on man, enjoy yourself; live to talk about the game the next day at the water cooler with your co-workers you pretend to like.
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2. Secondly, bring something to the party. No one likes a mooch: the guy that decided to come along empty-handed, scrounging for the free food and beverages, enjoying everyone else’s hard work and contribution. Don’t take advantage of people’s generosity. Trust me, this will garner a lot of criticism from fellow friends—your reputation is at stake here. Also, if you do bring something, make it something that everyone can enjoy. Don’t go to a tailgate party with a bunch of vegetarians and bring your homemade sausage or something wrapped and stuffed with bacon. We get it, T-Rex, you’re a macho man. You’re a meat eater. You lift weights, drink protein shakes, and gargle with tuna fish—anything for your “gains.” Be respectful to people and their lifestyle. You can sacrifice for the sake of the camaraderie of fellow Dolfans.
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3. Don’t be a phony. Don’t go out the day before the game and buy your nice Miami Dolphins hat, Tannehill jersey, or Tervis Tumbler and proclaim you’ve been a life-long Dolphins fan. Believe it or not, no one cares. We’re all here to have a good time. Don’t partake in any questions regarding Dolphins history. Maybe you just became a fan, or you’re dating a fan of the team, or don’t like football at all but are rooting for your hometown team. No one is judging you or questioning your fan-hood. Just root for the Fins and you’ll be fine.
To recap: don’t be the drunk, mooch, or phony at any tailgating event, or football party. Also, we know you don’t workout. The 20 push-ups you struggled so mightily to achieve before the get together is doing you no justice. You don’t wear a medium; you wear a large—you’re not fooling anyone. Be proud. You’re better than that. Just enjoy yourself.